Divorce.

The divorce narrative can often be a particularly fucked up one. When you begin to share that you and a partner are going your separate ways, there is this expectation that things have gone horribly wrong. There is the assumption that there must have been some big cataclysmic event that must herald a dissolution of marriage. This was not necessarily the case for us. While there certainly have been, at my end at least, big emotions, extensive processing and engagement with a variety of therapy services, we have managed to hold the children at the centre of our transformation into a new paradigm. 

While there are a multitude of avenues this discourse could take, I will speak to what I learned about myself through this process. Within the decision to move away from marriage there are endless thoughts, fears and things to consider. For me it became a necessary transition as I came to realise the degree to which I had become a shell of a human. I had long held enormous judgments on who I was and how I outwardly projected myself, this began long before I had even entered into a relationship with my children’s father. I was not yet self-reflective and lived life in a reactionary manner that stemmed from my subconscious. With this as a foundation I entered into a long term relationship where I fell into self-comparison to his way of being, a way of being that I viewed as better than mine. I mean after all, I perceived him to be so capable, competent, efficient, organised. All things that I was in no way naturally attuned to. I saw my “chaos” alongside his “easy” way of moving through adult-ing, a feat which was so baffling to me. As I slipped into comparison I began to change all the things that made me, me. This was not asked of me. I felt this need to morph into a version that would suit his way of being. I didn’t value my own way of existing. It was this self-abandonment that led to my becoming a ghost of what I could have been if I had allowed myself to be fully me. 

Where we initially held similar goals in life, marriage, house, kids, various holidays and all the things, I began to grow in a different direction. I yearned to uncover who “I am”. I felt pulled to explore who “I am” as an individual. I began to form new goals and new desires around how I wanted to live my life. After having lost myself to become what I thought was required of me, I knew the incredible pain that came with living out of alignment, I couldn’t ask that he changed to become what I was. We both recognised that we could either transition now or have this same conversation every year or two. 

While it is never easy to leave a relationship, let alone when you have to continue to see this person for life, three years on and I can truly say we made the best decision. Choosing to dissolve our marriage when we did meant it was done before we got to a point of hating one another, or engaging in escapism behaviours that would have made things so much harder to navigate. The choice to separate also opened up so much room in our lives for other people. The kid’s support circle expanded to so many incredible people that otherwise may not have been so close. I am eternally grateful for all of the beautiful people that have entered our lives as a direct result of our being brave enough to choose a different path. 

I am incredibly proud of how we have handled this transition over the years. It is not easy to take a higher path. I acknowledge every person out there who is struggling through a relationship transition. I know the pain, I know the fears. I see how hard you are trying, I hear your cries. Know that you are valued and that there is someone out there who sees you.