The joy in gaining perspective

I still remember the first time that I realised that I am not my thoughts. The liberation. The space.

I was sitting out the back, reading my book while Eve and Teddy rode around on their little trikes. The book was The Happiness Trap by Russ Harries and was my first introduction to Acceptance and Commitment Therapy.

While the setting seems idyllic, sitting and reading while the little ones play… I was miserable. I was so completely trapped and enslaved to the horrible narratives in my head that said “you’re not enough”, “no one likes you”, “you’re going no where in life”, “you’ll never be good enough”.

Offt. They are some heavy “truths” to be holding onto and taking on as my identity, as who “I am”.

Anyway, there I was sitting out there reading in the sunshine, kids playing and giggling. Trapped in my thoughts. Suffering. When this book introduced me the following idea: You are NOT your thoughts. The very fact that you can observe your thoughts means that there is another element within you. The part of you that is observing everything you are experiencing.

Fuck. I had never realised that before. I am NOT these horrendous thoughts. And if I’m not those thoughts, then maybe. Just maybe. They don’t have to be true. I felt the first glimmer in YEARS that maybe I could be something else then the persona I had created in survival mode. I had my first real glimpse of the idea that I might be able to create a different life. A life in which I was enough. A life in which I was going somewhere. A life in which I could accept love.

Through this simple process of zooming out to this higher perspective I was able to see my thoughts for what they were. Internalised stories that others had told me, or shown me or that I had created in contrast to movies, or magazines or societal standards.

I am enough.

I am worthy.

I am always expanding.